JessicaMarie

So one inspired me and they might not even know.  I have to stop allowing things to STOP ME. I get so distracted by all of my own bullshit that I don’t even seeee it!  I want to break free, I want to so bad! I have been wanting to all my life but never knew what I was freeing of!  It’s my myself! It’s always the freeing of the old version of you that didn’t know what you know now.  I use to get stuck in a rut for longer than I needed, if I trusted myself from jump I would be better off. Instead of feeling the heat or rip of not learning these lessons. I train myself to stop, as much as possible bull shit, at all cost now. I watch others make things do what it do and even some of them are inspired by me so what the hell was I thinking lol That’s that BULLSHIT not anymore. Not anyone. Not ANY FUCKING THING. I think we’ve got this. God had yet to fail me this far. And He never will. 

Discovered draft from 2014/15: Scared if I move on, whats there? I had a really great  productive day, but find myself sitting here plotting on bed time, feeling extreme discomfort in my stomachs pit, is it bc I texted an ex, because I am afraid of my next business venture? Worried about why my surgery scar on my chest is healing with pain from over a month ago?  Or that I have big choices to make in my career moves and Im not sure what the heck is coming or going right now! "He grants the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cries for help and rescues them." Psalms 145:19 Midway thru this thought process I spoke with my mom trying to find words to explain the awkward feeling I was experiencing in my own skin. She only called to tell me a funny story and I told her how I didn't really understand why I would feel how I felt and that maybe it was the uncomforted of not knowing what was next in my life since so many changes were taking place, but what I thi

August blog. I’m back everyone! Where have I been? Only lord knows lol I plan to blog until the 27th and see how this will go. It’s a challenge to myself but I’m going to give it a real try. I find myself diving deep and also hitting rock bottom when I do, but here we go! It’s my third day into my vacation from school! I decided to take 6 classes thru summer and boy do I feel like I literally fell and slid thru school! Along the way hard skid my whole life! Primarily my brain and social life! Lol  I managed to take a trip on the week off of school before summer. I went to Mexico and had a blast but it didn’t contribute much to the work that summer school brought on. I’m proud. I feel like I lifted my heaviest weight in one push. Now it’s on to the next. I have 4 weeks off before Fall semester begins and I’ll also be working. I can’t thank god enough for allowing me to see it this far, for him to allow me to persevere and not at all be less because of my wavy circumstances,

Hello, I am blogging my blog entries again. I just wanted to update everyone on what I have been up to.  I completed my chemo treatments in Bakersfield, CA but they were not that successful, after treatments …well towards the end or immediate after I’m not quiet sure of the sequence I was back in the hospital for a blood clot to my heart and pneumonia in my lungs once again! I couldn't believe it. I was at home short of breath DYING from lack of oxygen to my heart for days! When I was in the hospital I could barely breathe, it took a lot of prayer and positive thoughts because medication and treatments were not bringing me back. If I lifted my body to "attempt" to get to the bathroom my oxygen level would drop drastically and all the machines would start beeping and screaming and nurses would rush in and I just accepted the fact that shitting in my bed (in a bed pan) was just going to have to cut it. It really did suck learning the right angles or when I would have a slo

I said I would blog more and I have not… I am not ashamed! lol! I am on my way out the door right now ( lol meaning I still have to throw on pants before mom pulls up) and while I laid in bed thinking I might have over lapped my agenda by planning this brunch for my mom and how I will probably not get around to complete any of the task I have set for myself to become a successful being in life, I realized my a%$ is still laying in bed under the cover.  So, here I am making myself proud and  instead off being all warm, bundled up thinking how much I suck for NOT doing this, I am doing it!  in the cold in my underwear not in bed and still needing to throw something on before my mom calls saying she is on her way! Since I am on a roll I'll continue a bit more, Last night … last night was intense…. I am going thru some deep emotional and spiritual changes right now in my life. I am realizing more and more how independent I am and how much I wish I could just be dependent on at le

Sooo its been a while since I have posted a blog and boy oh boy do I miss blogging, trust I blog all day in my head but it never seems to hit this wall. I am in a pickle as some might call it, but it can be considered a good thing. I have a split decision to make in my life and sometimes I just don't know which way to go? My career to success and my road to my academic goals sometimes seem to collide and leave "poor ol me" in a rut of thinking poop pile! I want to be successful and I want to complete school and I want to stay active in my nonprofit but geesh how can a girl do it all? I have the support and I have the drive but there's not much I can do to make my body cooperate while chemo and rest are number one priorities for it right now. I feel like a log in a river just floating along with all the right lumps sitting on top but there isn't much I can do to reach them all at once. The more I try to reach I just spin around back into to the river. I ho