JessicaMarie

Sooo its been a while since I have posted a blog and boy oh boy do I miss blogging, trust I blog all day in my head but it never seems to hit this wall. I am in a pickle as some might call it, but it can be considered a good thing. I have a split decision to make in my life and sometimes I just don't know which way to go? My career to success and my road to my academic goals sometimes seem to collide and leave "poor ol me" in a rut of thinking poop pile! I want to be successful and I want to complete school and I want to stay active in my nonprofit but geesh how can a girl do it all? I have the support and I have the drive but there's not much I can do to make my body cooperate while chemo and rest are number one priorities for it right now. I feel like a log in a river just floating along with all the right lumps sitting on top but there isn't much I can do to reach them all at once. The more I try to reach I just spin around back into to the river. I ho...

So from this Valentines day I learned I am for real mean! I so need to work on that! I hear it allll time and I think everyone is a bit too sensitive or doesn't understand me but in reality I AM MEAN! And especially to boys/men! I totally think I hurt someone's feeling out of my own insecurities and being blocked off... we shall see how I manage to fix this one..... Good Night, Mean Girl

When I created SMILE (SYAinc) it wasn't just about what some may think in general when you hear the word "smile" it is my made up acronym; meaning: "See More In Life Everyday" Becoming an "adult" while still being young, facing life and death a little more than you'd like to, you do SEE MORE IN LIFE EVERYDAY and whether good or bad, worse and terrible if you really are SEEING (and to get even deeper BREATHING) there will always be a reason to smile about something at least once a day. This journey has been interesting and life is so complex but certain things shouldn't be, it should be simple when it comes to love and loyalty but we are on EARTH so who am I kidding. I know I keep smiling and never hold regrets, God gives us desires, passions and signals for very very good reasons. The closer I get to God the further He places my unneeded desires and the more I learn that the signs are there for reasons. One of my pastors once said "RED FLA...

I get so angry. I really don't know what to do. Lol. As I type I hear the voice echo in mind "to be still". I have great days, today especially I got so much done and had such an organic joy, but at the end of the night after the hard work is done and some last minute work starts to frustrate me I go to lay down and find my mind wondering and replaying different events and actions that I know were not the best ones I've made out of anger and frustration. I'm cancer free, a mind full and single. I just want to enjoy my life. I'm sick of running back to what makes me unhappy every time I feel alone,  angry or just wanting the championship. I am dealing with the pain right now without trying to find a quick fix and honest to bob it really really hurts. It's kind of like lifting weights I guess, the pain eventually fades away and in perfect time you see positive results. I am doing this for me, but best believe the little spoiled ego driven girl in me wants to...

Just got off the phone with my grandmother! She says the best things: "You only want things so bad because you love yourself more than the thing you want, the only desire is to give YOU what you want for you!" "Love yourself more than enough and know what you deserve"

The craziest feeling is feeling that no one can understand how you feel or what you mean when you try to express yourself. Someone told me tonight that they know how it feels to be completely innocent and no one in the room believed them and they knew they couldn't convince the other people any different. They went further on to tell me how it made them feel and that it was a crazy experience, and I am sure very uncomfortable too, but theres nothing you can do change what other people think or say. I put myself in many situations and occasions that were totally unnecessary and not only could it have negatively effect my future it could have been detrimental to my health and cause me to send my self back to hospital. Its crazy how emotions fly loose and Ego takes King in your life when you can not see clearly. Reacting to or out of anger is not the key to solving any issues. I learned plenty of times that when you react emotionally to a situation it usually doesn't help... at al...