Today I damn near lost it.
Today I damn near lost it. But before I completely did each time, I just breathed and talked to the only one who could hear me, feel me, touch me and be unseen at the same time while I darted through terrible Los Angeles traffic, hanging up on operators who knew nothing about the frustration of me trying to comprehend how they can not see the importance of my scheduled appointment being moved to a sooner date so I do not have to hear my Dad from across the Country passively begging me to speed up the process of getting them, their confirmation of my 3RD CANCER RELAPSE that I myself know in my heart, mind and body is back again.
Its not easy at all to ignore when the knot is protruding visibly on the side of your neck and increasing in size slowly but surely, tender and throbbing and the thoughts that follow after, are the ones of losing my friend NOW officially over a month ago.
I do wish he was here to call and talk to about all that's going on. He would understand the confusion of joy, depression, anxiety, off topic thoughts and all that happens to you in one conversation with a friend listening to the voice of me who is trying to keep it all together, but shaky and cracking. I wish he was here to lay next to and speak with to make me feel much more confident that things are going to be OK and that this is just a part of what we have to face, but I cant because in my remission his battle ended. I know he would tell me to get it together! and stand back and clear of my BFs that randomly surface these days!
3rd times a charm right? I know this is all for a reason. I want to come out on top, but dammit everyday I refuse to make sure everyone else is OK, by me "being OK" sometimes I am not OK with this, sometimes I hate this, sometimes I know its bigger than me, but sometimes I just want to hit pause and think. But being that is not an option, based off these new results that will be rolling out soon, that time of some's to buck up will be back in-full- affect.
Breathing,
Jessica
Its not easy at all to ignore when the knot is protruding visibly on the side of your neck and increasing in size slowly but surely, tender and throbbing and the thoughts that follow after, are the ones of losing my friend NOW officially over a month ago.
I do wish he was here to call and talk to about all that's going on. He would understand the confusion of joy, depression, anxiety, off topic thoughts and all that happens to you in one conversation with a friend listening to the voice of me who is trying to keep it all together, but shaky and cracking. I wish he was here to lay next to and speak with to make me feel much more confident that things are going to be OK and that this is just a part of what we have to face, but I cant because in my remission his battle ended. I know he would tell me to get it together! and stand back and clear of my BFs that randomly surface these days!
3rd times a charm right? I know this is all for a reason. I want to come out on top, but dammit everyday I refuse to make sure everyone else is OK, by me "being OK" sometimes I am not OK with this, sometimes I hate this, sometimes I know its bigger than me, but sometimes I just want to hit pause and think. But being that is not an option, based off these new results that will be rolling out soon, that time of some's to buck up will be back in-full- affect.
Breathing,
Jessica
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