JessicaMarie

Just submitted my life away on Indeed and now I lay me down to sleep and all I have is a feeling of wow.... It's been so long since I've been much besides a Real Estate agent (which in its self has been a form of a therapist)  and I feel so in awe of my life and in awe of God and all that He has done at this point in my life. I have thoughts that float as I stared off into my closets sliding doors and in this deflated feeling I have joy. I have enough joy in my relaxation I decided to blog lol. I just wanted to share my appreciation and raw feeling to my new transition in life. I had to update my resumes and really sit back and look at myself on paper and I look pretty darn well. The paper (updated resume) can never truly reflect my heart but I know God is leading me in His direction and will cover all my wants and needs and anything else in my benefit. I love you all and good night. Remember this is not the end... He ALWAYS has something for you. xoxoxo

So one inspired me and they might not even know.  I have to stop allowing things to STOP ME. I get so distracted by all of my own bullshit that I don’t even seeee it!  I want to break free, I want to so bad! I have been wanting to all my life but never knew what I was freeing of!  It’s my myself! It’s always the freeing of the old version of you that didn’t know what you know now.  I use to get stuck in a rut for longer than I needed, if I trusted myself from jump I would be better off. Instead of feeling the heat or rip of not learning these lessons. I train myself to stop, as much as possible bull shit, at all cost now. I watch others make things do what it do and even some of them are inspired by me so what the hell was I thinking lol That’s that BULLSHIT not anymore. Not anyone. Not ANY FUCKING THING. I think we’ve got this. God had yet to fail me this far. And He never will. 

Discovered draft from 2014/15: Scared if I move on, whats there? I had a really great  productive day, but find myself sitting here plotting on bed time, feeling extreme discomfort in my stomachs pit, is it bc I texted an ex, because I am afraid of my next business venture? Worried about why my surgery scar on my chest is healing with pain from over a month ago?  Or that I have big choices to make in my career moves and Im not sure what the heck is coming or going right now! "He grants the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cries for help and rescues them." Psalms 145:19 Midway thru this thought process I spoke with my mom trying to find words to explain the awkward feeling I was experiencing in my own skin. She only called to tell me a funny story and I told her how I didn't really understand why I would feel how I felt and that maybe it was the uncomforted of not knowing what was next in my life since so many changes were taking place, but what I thi...

August blog. I’m back everyone! Where have I been? Only lord knows lol I plan to blog until the 27th and see how this will go. It’s a challenge to myself but I’m going to give it a real try. I find myself diving deep and also hitting rock bottom when I do, but here we go! It’s my third day into my vacation from school! I decided to take 6 classes thru summer and boy do I feel like I literally fell and slid thru school! Along the way hard skid my whole life! Primarily my brain and social life! Lol  I managed to take a trip on the week off of school before summer. I went to Mexico and had a blast but it didn’t contribute much to the work that summer school brought on. I’m proud. I feel like I lifted my heaviest weight in one push. Now it’s on to the next. I have 4 weeks off before Fall semester begins and I’ll also be working. I can’t thank god enough for allowing me to see it this far, for him to allow me to persevere and not at all be less because of my wavy circumstan...

Hello, I am blogging my blog entries again. I just wanted to update everyone on what I have been up to.  I completed my chemo treatments in Bakersfield, CA but they were not that successful, after treatments …well towards the end or immediate after I’m not quiet sure of the sequence I was back in the hospital for a blood clot to my heart and pneumonia in my lungs once again! I couldn't believe it. I was at home short of breath DYING from lack of oxygen to my heart for days! When I was in the hospital I could barely breathe, it took a lot of prayer and positive thoughts because medication and treatments were not bringing me back. If I lifted my body to "attempt" to get to the bathroom my oxygen level would drop drastically and all the machines would start beeping and screaming and nurses would rush in and I just accepted the fact that shitting in my bed (in a bed pan) was just going to have to cut it. It really did suck learning the right angles or when I would have a slo...

I said I would blog more and I have not… I am not ashamed! lol! I am on my way out the door right now ( lol meaning I still have to throw on pants before mom pulls up) and while I laid in bed thinking I might have over lapped my agenda by planning this brunch for my mom and how I will probably not get around to complete any of the task I have set for myself to become a successful being in life, I realized my a%$ is still laying in bed under the cover.  So, here I am making myself proud and  instead off being all warm, bundled up thinking how much I suck for NOT doing this, I am doing it!  in the cold in my underwear not in bed and still needing to throw something on before my mom calls saying she is on her way! Since I am on a roll I'll continue a bit more, Last night … last night was intense…. I am going thru some deep emotional and spiritual changes right now in my life. I am realizing more and more how independent I am and how much I wish I could just be dependen...

Sooo its been a while since I have posted a blog and boy oh boy do I miss blogging, trust I blog all day in my head but it never seems to hit this wall. I am in a pickle as some might call it, but it can be considered a good thing. I have a split decision to make in my life and sometimes I just don't know which way to go? My career to success and my road to my academic goals sometimes seem to collide and leave "poor ol me" in a rut of thinking poop pile! I want to be successful and I want to complete school and I want to stay active in my nonprofit but geesh how can a girl do it all? I have the support and I have the drive but there's not much I can do to make my body cooperate while chemo and rest are number one priorities for it right now. I feel like a log in a river just floating along with all the right lumps sitting on top but there isn't much I can do to reach them all at once. The more I try to reach I just spin around back into to the river. I ho...

So from this Valentines day I learned I am for real mean! I so need to work on that! I hear it allll time and I think everyone is a bit too sensitive or doesn't understand me but in reality I AM MEAN! And especially to boys/men! I totally think I hurt someone's feeling out of my own insecurities and being blocked off... we shall see how I manage to fix this one..... Good Night, Mean Girl

When I created SMILE (SYAinc) it wasn't just about what some may think in general when you hear the word "smile" it is my made up acronym; meaning: "See More In Life Everyday" Becoming an "adult" while still being young, facing life and death a little more than you'd like to, you do SEE MORE IN LIFE EVERYDAY and whether good or bad, worse and terrible if you really are SEEING (and to get even deeper BREATHING) there will always be a reason to smile about something at least once a day. This journey has been interesting and life is so complex but certain things shouldn't be, it should be simple when it comes to love and loyalty but we are on EARTH so who am I kidding. I know I keep smiling and never hold regrets, God gives us desires, passions and signals for very very good reasons. The closer I get to God the further He places my unneeded desires and the more I learn that the signs are there for reasons. One of my pastors once said "RED FLA...

I get so angry. I really don't know what to do. Lol. As I type I hear the voice echo in mind "to be still". I have great days, today especially I got so much done and had such an organic joy, but at the end of the night after the hard work is done and some last minute work starts to frustrate me I go to lay down and find my mind wondering and replaying different events and actions that I know were not the best ones I've made out of anger and frustration. I'm cancer free, a mind full and single. I just want to enjoy my life. I'm sick of running back to what makes me unhappy every time I feel alone,  angry or just wanting the championship. I am dealing with the pain right now without trying to find a quick fix and honest to bob it really really hurts. It's kind of like lifting weights I guess, the pain eventually fades away and in perfect time you see positive results. I am doing this for me, but best believe the little spoiled ego driven girl in me wants to...

Just got off the phone with my grandmother! She says the best things: "You only want things so bad because you love yourself more than the thing you want, the only desire is to give YOU what you want for you!" "Love yourself more than enough and know what you deserve"

The craziest feeling is feeling that no one can understand how you feel or what you mean when you try to express yourself. Someone told me tonight that they know how it feels to be completely innocent and no one in the room believed them and they knew they couldn't convince the other people any different. They went further on to tell me how it made them feel and that it was a crazy experience, and I am sure very uncomfortable too, but theres nothing you can do change what other people think or say. I put myself in many situations and occasions that were totally unnecessary and not only could it have negatively effect my future it could have been detrimental to my health and cause me to send my self back to hospital. Its crazy how emotions fly loose and Ego takes King in your life when you can not see clearly. Reacting to or out of anger is not the key to solving any issues. I learned plenty of times that when you react emotionally to a situation it usually doesn't help... at al...

I made a promise that I would share more of my experience of what's going on in my life during this journey of battling cancer for the 4th time. I plan to get better at uploading more footage and staying connected with the ones I love and love me through this time. I hope these videos will help another person that may be going through anything similar.

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Lost for words when it comes to come to my blog and to open up about what’s been going on around me. I definitely notice that I’m surrounded with tons of lost souls and loose threaded hearts, which pick at each other’s flaws like life wanting vultures. I think people have been so shadowed at times with the hype of others highlights and low falls that it distracts them from what really is important right now and it is learning yourself and loving yourself, knowing YOUR self worth... NOT sharing with everyone else your opinion of someone else's worth, because really that’s what you’re doing right? Everyone is all in everyone’s lane, whose lane I’m not sure? But I sure do at times see some toes creeping into mine, or maybe it may have been me leaning into theirs, but either way I think its sad, that we live in a world where there's millions on millions of people and we Live and Die by the true quote of "You’re lucky if you even happen to have just ONE friend in your lifeti...

2:04 am, One of the earliest nights I have had in a few days. My body is finally ease and my mind is happy to catch up to my level and just relax. I feel like Im newly single and ready to Live and I hate to say its because my current circumstances, but I think its just what I should have been doing for quiet sometime. I can honestly say I have been doing it all for me and I am blessed to have some amazing people to bark with, but theres a whisper I must sit still to catch in my wind, that only comes when I am fully ready to receive... and I think I am ready.

I had an eery feeling about how I would feel uncomfortable with sharing again that I have been diagnosed with cancer again, I really could've just sat back, dealt with it on my own and faced what is to come. Of course I believe God has a mission for me, but loosing a best friend to cancer and being pre-diagonosed in the same month #fail. I guess I chose to take my news and handle it and roll with the punches because I did not feel inspired nor did I want share the "news". Whats great about letting everyone know that were finally back to their happy lives that one of their family members or close friend, a person that they love has Cancer again for the 3rd time, that the Bone Marrow transplant didn't work, that we just loss a great friend and family a couple weeks ago and Hey! mine is back too?! I did not feel inspired to go and get my non profit more active, I just laid flat and avoiding the solution. It wasn't until I learned that I had to use a donor out...